How to Remove Carpet

(as told by a girl after her first solo carpet removal)

Step 1 is to resist the urge to vacuum it. That needs its own step because this carpet is well over thirty years old, original to the house, and caked with everything from particalized chicken shit to the child snot of the previous inhabitants. Frankly, even walking on the carpet in socks isn’t enough distance, although the removal is happening just weeks before everyone in the house would have resorted to trudging around the basement in boots.

The upstairs carpet is hardly any better, but that ‘hardly’ is the Atlas of that clause. The upstairs carpet will come up later.

Step 2 is to obtain a box cutter. No, a knife will not work, and neither will scissors. A box cutter only, and a sharp one at that. Box cutters are the Shop-Vacs of blades, and if you don’t understand that reference see step 8 for an explanation. Also obtain a pair of gloves and a mask, unless you enjoy getting your bronchial tubes all up-close-and-personal with particalized chicken shit.